Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A Comprehensive List of Songs Played On the Satellite Radio Station at Work; Or, Why My Head Is About To Explode

1)"Wind Beneath My Wings." Not even the Bette Midler version. At 7:30 in the morning. I really gotta bring in my coffeemaker.

2) "Love Story" by Taylor Swift.

3)"Small Town" by John "Cougar" Mellancamp. Having grown up in one of the most economically stunted and cloudy small towns in the whole US of A, I can't tell you how much it depresses me to hear the lyric "Gonna die in a small town/and that's probly where they'll bury me." That just feels like saying "I went nowhere and did nothing with my life and no one will remember me, ever....Isn't that awesome?!"

4) "I Don't Want to Wait" by that chick who did "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" Whatever happened to that song? Why do they only play the second hit she had that wasn't as good as the first one?

5) Something inaudible by Michael Bolton. Srsly, station. Sync your playback volumes.

6)"Take the Long Way Home" by Supertramp

7)"Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow

8)"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Really? Really, station?

9)"Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Like a beacon of light on the far shore. When my boat is in the middle of a thunderstorm. And it's raining crap instead of water. God, I love Fleetwood Mac.

10) "Land Down Under" by Men At Work. Aaaand the shitstorm is back in full force.

11) "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

12) "Eternal Flame" by the Bangles. (I had to look up who did this song and now I'm confused. I thought I liked the Bangles. Maybe not.)

13) "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

14) Something inaudible again that resembles "Redneck Girl" by the Bellamy Brothers, but there's no way this station has that much class.

15) "You Are the Woman" by Firefall. I take it back, station: you are all class, all the time. Good God.

16) "Complicated" by Avril Lavigne.

17) "Boys of Summer" by Don Henley. Close, station. A near miss. Unfortunately, Don Henley is not The Eagles.

18) "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. Man, I already hated Foreigner, but up til now I've been blaming this atrocity on solo Kenny Loggins. But nope. It's Foreigner.

19) "Hold My Hand" by Hootie and the Blowfish. I don't think I can say anything about Hootie and the Blowfish that we didn't say back in seventh grade the first time we realized they sucked.

20) "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. Congratulations, station, you have been demoted from 10% awesome to 5%. Also, there aren't words gross enough to express the depth of my disdain for Phil Collins.

21) "Love Story" by Taylor Swift.

22) "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. Can we talk about how he wrote this song for a girl he didn't even know, and how creeped out she was by it?

Question: if a terrible song plays in a cubicle, and no one is there to hear it, would it still depress me?

23) "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison. How is this possible? I don't understand. Shouldn't the universe have imploded by now or something? How can they just throw this in amidst all that crap, like, "Oh, yeah, we really do know good music, we just won't play it. Except randomly. When you're not expecting it." I can't handle this kind of discrepancy! This is the kind of thing that turns normal worker slaves into slobbering, padded-wall, alien-anal-probed loonies.

24) "Smooth" by Rob Thomas, feat. Carlos Santana. WHAT?!

1 comment:

  1. I nearly died laughing when I read this.