Monday, May 24, 2010

A Step-by-Step Guide to De-stressing

1. Leave immediately after work on Friday, whether or not you actually got everything done that you needed to. One day the sun is going to implode and no one will give a f*ck where you put that receipt. Unfortunately for you, it won't implode before Monday, so it might matter, but oh well.
2. Gold Bar is on the way to the freeway. Go get a dirty iced chai, size uber.
3. Buy an ipod hookup for your car so that you can finally listen to that Jakob Dylan album that he did with Neko Case.
4. Spend the next six hours working on increasing your vocal range.
5. Have your terribly clever friend send you a text saying, "Fair warning: I was trying to decide how presentable I should be and erred on the side of muumuu." Laugh hysterically and praise God that you have intelligent company to spend the weekend with.
6. Arrive at house and hug said Terribly Clever Friend.
7. Discover a wickedly spicy and delicious vegetarian black bean soup on the stove. Have Terribly Clever Friend put cheese on it, and then eat two bowls so that your eyes water.
8. Light your hookah.
9. Have Terribly Clever Friend continue to say terribly clever things until two in the morning. Begin feeling nominally like a human being.
10. Go to bed.
11. Wake up at eight-thirty to sound of cat puking on the desk.
12. Clean up cat puke, laugh delightedly because cleaning up cat puke can't possibly bother you when you can smell the ocean breeze coming through your window, and go back to bed until eleven-thirty.
13. Upon waking, discover that you slept through an earthquake, realize that you were super stressed out by the idea, and now it's funny.
13. Get dressed in most comfortable outfit ever and drive out to a vineyard.
14. Stop at Trader Joe's on the way and buy delicious corn salsa and expensive cheeses.
15. Sit outside at a picnic table and drink wine and eat delicious corn salsa and expensive cheeses. And strawberries.
16. Have Terribly Clever Friend continue to say terribly clever things; then go for a walk and let Terribly Clever Friend take interesting pictures of you and of the Belgian Draft Horses that the vineyard people are rehabilitating. Consider becoming a Belgian Draft Horse.
17. Take the scenic route back to Terribly Clever Friend's house and get dressed to go out to mustache/wig party.
18. Draw a moustache on your index finger in sharpie because you don't have an actual moustache.
19. Smoke hookah.
20. Drive with Terribly Clever Friend, who is wearing a long blonde Marilyn-Monroe-esque wig, to a hole-in-the-wall club to meet her coworkers for said mustache party, and laugh when they don't recognize her as a blonde.
21. Feel slightly uncomfortable because you realize you don't know anyone and also you haven't danced in about eight years.
22. Drink two cosmopolitans. Stop feeling uncomfortable.
23. Dance.
24. Leave club grinning stupidly, drenched in sweat, and walking slightly crooked.
25. Go back to bed.

To be continued.

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