Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's My Blog, And I'll Vent If I Want To

That said, I'm going to make my point, and person-who-needed-to-vent-at-me, well, it's my blog and I don't give a sh*t if you still read it and need to text me something else that's designed to ruin my evening and make me feel like the biggest bitch ever in response to this post.

People, when someone asks you for a pizza, don't give her an apple pie. She wants a f*cking pizza.
Whatever your intentions are—and I do concede, intentions are as important as the act itself—fulfilling someone else's wants is about their wants. It's not about what you want to give them. I don't care if you make the best f*cking apple pie in the universe, or how much you know I like both apples and sugar. I ASKED FOR A PIZZA. GET ME A PIZZA. If I asked for a pizza, that means I don't really want apples and sugar; I want garlic and cheese. A calzone would probably do the  trick, but a pizza would really be best.  If you really want to go above and beyond, here, get me two pizzas, and a gift certificate for more. 

I also don't care how many other people have asked you for a pizza when they really secretly wanted an apple pie. Other people's inability to communicate effectively is not my problem; it's theirs. I asked you for a pizza. Assume that I mean what I say. If I don't mean what I say, that's not your problem. It's mine.

Getting someone an apple pie when she wants a pizza not only showcases your inability to listen, it shows that you don't care about what she wants at all. You care way more about the fact that you love making apple pies and are super good at pinching pie crust in cute designs than about making her happy. It shows that you want to be praised for your abilities more than you want to fulfill her needs. If you hand a chick an apple pie and expect her to be all like, “Oh, my gosh, you can bake, too! That's so wonderful! I love apple pie! How did you know I really wanted apple pie when I asked you for a pizza because I felt too bad to ask you for an apple pie which was what I really truly deeply wanted? You are so perfect!” well, you're in for disappointment. Because she asked for a pizza.

This is what will actually happen:
You (covered in flour and slightly sweaty from slaving over a hot oven): Hey, I know you asked for a pizza, but I made you an apple pie.
Her (eyebrows raised quizzically): Wow, um, thanks. I'm just gonna put this in the fridge. Want to come to Buono's with me, so I can get a pizza?
You (stuttering): Unappreciated...made pie...what?!  *Your head explodes here*


  1. Is this about sex? I'm not sure if it's because I'm a dude-bro-dude, but it's the only image that danced in my mind as I read this. What else could this be? Pizza? Apple Pie?

  2. Haha...guess I could have picked my metaphor better. Curse you, nineties movies!